“You can hold yourself back from the sufferings of the world, that is something you are free to do and it accords with your nature, but perhaps this very holding back is the one suffering you could avoid.” - Kafka
His life was completely sucked up by two concerns lately. An unresolved grief from the past and a fear of complete uncertainty of the future. The present no more existed for him, it was just a void in which nothing meaningful ever happened. It felt as if life was trying to make a terrible example of him. He could not for the love of God understand what was going around. No longer he saw himself as an autonomous individual. His Self seemed to have evaporated gradually. Biologically, he was alive none the less. Not as a living Self in control of the affairs of his own life but rather as a mere spectator of his own Self. Somehow living outside his embodied Self. Always conscious of what his embodied 'false-self' was going through. Being hyper conscious of your own life is a painful experience especially when you are living outside it as a critical observer.
The life that he once knew was no more there. He was no more interested in the 'outside world' which seemed superficial and shallow. The inner world of his own profound (or deluded) experience seemed to be a safe place initially. The inner world provided him the security of solitude, freedom from being misunderstood and above all the protection from being hurt by others. His inner world was initially a shield that protected him from constant attacks of others. No longer he was worried about people treating him as an 'it' rather than as an 'I'. So, he held himself back from the sufferings of the outside world.
Alas! this false sense of protection was short lived. This strategy to protect himself was in fact highway to self-destruction. The fear of being treated as an 'it' somehow transformed into a strategy to treat the others as mere objects. He found it impossible to love someone as another human being or develop a long lasting meaningful relationship. He saw his embodied self living a life outside himself out there. A life he thought he was no longer a part of. This inner world of his was actually a prison. A prison that eventually deprived him of his autonomy, his happiness and above all his own life. He envied his embodied false self that lived 'its' life in front of his own eyes. He was not in control of his life anymore. As a prisoner living behind the bars of his own inner world, he saw his whole life slipping from his fingers. Perhaps he couldn't hold back from this perpetual suffering anymore. There were no more safe havens to run to.
6 comments:
I hope he stops thinking too much and starts eating ice-cream. That way he will feel much better about himself and everything else :)
It is funny how thoughts become involuntary and obsessive, how there is no escape from the prison of your own understanding, and how you lack the ability and freewill to really 'act' and make a move, sometimes. you become stagnant and dormant, not to mention an infidel and a pessimist. Atheistic beliefs start to bud because after all, atheism is God not being around, and sometimes, God does become invisible.
The cure that worked for a 'she' that I know of, is trusting Allah and praying for help.
It worked miracles.
It indeed does. Peace lies on the side of faith. But no respite for those who have been abandoned by Gods. For such a man, not only god becomes invisible but the life he once knew also becomes invisible. :)
But God never abandons us. We choose to blame Him when He tests us, our wisdom fools us, and we get surrounded by the dark... only to be so humbled by our imperfection that we find solace in repentance, I think.
I know what you mean but there is always a difference between a 'man of faith' and a 'man of God'.
Peace is for the man of faith, the conformist, the traditionalist, the one who surrenders. However, a 'Man of God' may not enjoy such luxuries. One can believe in God and still feel abandoned by him. As Camus once wrote, 'Even if there was a God, it wouldn't have mattered'. Imagine the pain of such a man.
P.S
This particular post about the cage was inspired by R.D Laing's ideas on Schizoid Personality Disorder. Have nothing specifically to do with God :)
Do not seek any rules or method of worship. Say whatever your pained
heart chooses.
Unless eye and heart bleed for fifty years, no one finds the way from mere words to bliss.
- Rumi
"Indeed kings - when they enter a city, they ruin it and render the
honored of its people humbled. And thus do they do." (27:34) And isn't God king of his admirer's heart?
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